NORTH POLE -- Now that Donald Trump has been impeached in the House of Representatives, every Christian's favorite jolly old elf (no, not Jeff Sessions) has announced that Christmas is cancelled this year. Santa Claus said during a press conference immediately after the final votes were tallied, "The world already got what it wanted for Christmas anyway. My God, this guy was giving me a headache! I only got to skim my list once. I barely made a damn list, I've been so busy!"
PASADENA, California -- During a November 22 appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote, I don't know, David Lee Roth's Vegas show or something? Eddie Van Halen became the bad guy. Kimmel told the legendary guitar virtuoso, who popularized tapping, that he was 17 in 1984, "just like Billie Eilish is now." "Why are you telling me this," Van Halen pondered, "and who the hell is Billie Eilish?"
BENSONHURST, Brooklyn, New York -- James Buchanan High School student Juan Epstein's death was initially reported as a suicide, but many people believe he was in fact murdered. And now his history teacher, Gabe Kotter, was weighed in on his untimely death.
"Epstein didn't kill himself," says Kotter. "He couldn't even fake a note from his mother." This was followed by a laugh track. Come to find out, Kotter has a machine in his pocket that generates canned laughter at the push of a button.He added, "Nobody murdered him. The sweathogs, my students, don't have the capability and neither I nor [principal] Mr. Woodman have the motive to do so. It was clearly a heart attack. He had been complaining about chest pains ever since I gave him an 18th Century pop quiz. He couldn't tell Alexander Hamilton from Patrick Henry from Betsy Ross."
WASHINGTON, DC: A new national study funded by the League of Democratic Women Voters (LDWV) has unveiled a shocking result about the 2016 Presidential Election: up to 35% of Americans who had cast their votes for President (nearly 50 million, out of approximately 139 million) willfully, deliberately, and flagrantly voted for the presidential candidate that they didn't actually want to have as President. In other words, they lied. They lied in the sanctity of the voting booth. They broke their pledges to themselves by voting for somebody else entirely, somebody they weren't supposed to vote for in the first place. And now, we are all paying dearly for the consequences.
HOLLYWOOD -- People Magazine has revealed the Sexiest Man Dead for 2019... Hollywood icon James Dean. Born February 8, 1931, in Marion Indiana, James Byron Dean became a teen rebel in two Hollywood classics -- East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause -- before dying in a car crash September 30, 1955, at the age of 24. He released one last movie, the posthumous Giant. Now, nearly 65 years later, Dean is ready for his comeback. He has been announced to star in a 2020 movie about the Vietnam War. "Back in my day, it was impossible for a dead guy to get any work," Dean says. "Now with the futuristic computer whosits and whatsits and gizmos, I can play my old, unzombied self for all eternity. On the flip side, I can forgo computers and do horror movies. I'm talking with Greg Nicotero about guest starring on The Walking Dead."